The Think Tank

Jeren's Man Report Card

2011-07-09T22:16:00.006-06:00

I recently was advised to read this list of things that a man should never have. After some thought I decided to grade my experience involving each of these don'ts.

No Man Should Ever Have...

1. A black eye - A; I've never had a black eye in my life, but that's not to say I'm a wuss by any means.

2. A witty email signature - A; I list my name, credentials, and contact information like a true pro.

3. An empty refrigerator - B; While it isn't my refrigerator I still have several things of my own in it.

4. PlayStation Thumb - A-; I'm not an avid gamer, but on occasion I'll throw down some boom-shakalas in some NBA Jam.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener - A; Only have one on me when I'm either camping or tailgating.

6. A lucky shirt - A; Don't have one, I do have shirts I like to wear though.

7. An unstamped passport - F; Unfortunately I fail miserably on this one, I've never been outside of the United States.

8. Olympic dreams - A; I gave up on those about the same time I started enjoying a good beer.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet - C; Before reading this list I rarely had cash on me, but it being such a good idea I now always carry at least $10.

10. A name for his penis - A; This is just weak, I'm not 15 anymore and don't need to name appendages.

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case - B; My favorite beer Wasatch White Ale does cost over $20 for a case, but that is far too expensive to buy every week. So in short Miller High Life does the job in a pinch.

12. The need to quote various movies - C-; I am guilty of this frequent lack of judgement. But if it means anything I do come up with some incredible one-liners of my own (see: The Cannys).

13. A futon - A; No problem here, I'm too old to have or sleep on one anymore.

14. Code words for women - A; Again this is just weak, I'm not ever going to find a girlfriend if I use these kind of names.

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room - A-; It specifically says "Nerf hoop," it doesn't say anything about a Nerf Rapid Fire gun.

16. A secret handshake - A; Gave these things up when I graduated from high school.

17. Drinking glasses with logos - F; Again guilty, but this is only because I don't have any of my own glasses yet.

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..." - A; No problem here, I'm a law abiding citizen.

Jeren's Man Report Card:

A's: 12 (10 A & 2 A-)

B's: 2 (2 B)

C's: 2 (1 C & 1 C-)

D's: 0

F's: 2

Jeren's Man GPA: 3.167; Not bad a solid B, but I'm going to need to work on this I need at least an B+ average to be a respectable man

The Cannys Are Now Open For Nomintions

2011-07-05T23:43:00.000-06:00

Over the past couple of months the small "awards show" of mine, The Cannys, has gained a sort of cult following. Well...a cult following in my small group of friends. The Cannys are a yearly presentation of the best (and worst) quotes, tweets, updates, events, and people of the previous year. Originally posted to only get a couple of laughs it has taken on a life of it's own.

Now with a bunch of awards and a council that assists in the selection of winners (I'm still the chairman of the council though with full veto rights), they're now the real deal. Hell, even the thought of throwing a ceremony with presenters and bands is being discussed.

The point of this post is to announce that nominations are now open. If something is heard that is worthy tweet it and hashtag it (#TheCannys). I may even start a Twitter and Facebook account just for this stuff. Also if there is a need for a new award let us know the same way.

In a reflective mood...

2011-03-30T23:46:00.002-06:00

Well, you've caught me in the ultimate reflective mood. The past few months of my life have been filled with extreme highs and lows the likes of which may never be topped in my lifetime. It will be very interesting to see what the rest of this year will bring me.

To start off with in mid-November a new niece was added to the family. My brother, Jay, and his wife, Joyce, welcomed Brynlee Jay Canning to the family and she has been nothing but pure fun to be around. Filled with the piss and vinegar that we Cannings are notoriously known for, this little girl has stolen my heart.

The new year brought some new challenges as Qwest was formally bought out by CenturyTel and the company has wasted no time in shaking up the organization. The director of my division was moved to another position and fresh blood was brought in to try and revitalize the Operator and Information Services department. This is really nothing but good news for me as I sit as one of the, if not the, most educated individuals in the department and have been stonewalled for years.

This year also brought some tragedy into my life as my grandmother died. Florence Uwarda Trimble Canning died in late February from a stroke. While it was hard to deal with the loss of Grandma, it is comforting to know that she is now in a better place, with many of the people she loves. I have to say it was hard seeing my Grandma, a woman so strong and so active for so many years basically wither away to nothing in a matter of months.

On a much lighter note I heard some great news when my beloved Utah Utes hired Norm Chow as the team's new Offensive Coordinator. About two months before the hire was officially made, I was sitting around with my friends and said that the team will hire Chow. This was long before the rumors started to surface, low and behold look what happened.

Then something incredible happened. Maybe incredible is too strong of a word but I am very proud of my accomplishment. Just two weeks ago I completed work on my Master of Business Administration degree from the University of Phoenix. After a year-and-a-half of classes, countless papers, and some new friends I earned the degree much to the praise of my friends and family.

As you can see this has been quite a ride, and I can only hope that it will continue.

The 2010 Canny Awards

2010-12-26T16:22:00.003-07:00

It's that time of year again my friends. Here is this year's Canny Award winners.

The "Just Kicking It" Award (Friend you spent the most time with)

Nick Parker

Kyle P. Ford

Greg Wilson

Person with New Talent Award

Kyle "2.0" Mantas for his drink mixing abilities

Newcomer of the Year (TIE)

Sarah Ludwig

Kyle "2.0" Mantas

Quote of the Year (Spoken)

"Have you ever noticed how funny your toothbrush holder looks?"--Greg Wilson.

Tweet of the Year

"No one wants a latte off of a coffin. That is why we don't have that business"--Greg Wilson.

Facebook Update of the Year

"*NSYNC > Backstreet Boys"--Kyle P. Ford, led to a 20+ comment thread.

MVP: Most Valuable Partier (Partied the hardest)

Randy a.k.a. Snowchild

Host of the Year

Nick Parker

Kyle P. Ford

Anytime is a good time at the Batcave

Craziest of the Year

The Bicycle Incident. Waking up on the floor of the bathroom.

Best Song

"Need You Now" by Sugarland

"Blaze of Glory" by Bon Jovi

Best Movie

The Expendables

Kick Ass

(Haven't seen any of the really good movies this year)

Worst Movie

Sherlock Holmes

Best TV Show

How I Met Your Mother

Most Comfy Spot Ever! of 2010

Brewvies, yet again for three years running

Greatest Day of 2010

Earning the keycard and key to the Batcave

Best Group of the Year

The Bro High Council

Drinking Buddies of the Year

Kyle P. Ford

Greg Wilson

For our tailgating adventures

Lifetime Service Award (Longest Friend)

Tyler Birtcher, but losing ground to members of the Bro High Council

Best Halloween Costume Award (TIE)

Silver Snakes (Nick Parker and Kyle P. Ford)

Lucky Charms Leprechaun (Kyle Whitley)

Harry Potter-in his late 20s (Me)

Biggest Douche Bag Award

Dude that name drops for the hell of it.

Honorable Mention: Nick Parker (This is only because of his perfect Douche Bag Party costume)

Stupidest Idea When Drunk

The Designated Drinker Rule at parties, thankfully has been abolished.

Best Storyteller

Kyle P. Ford

50 Things Every Guy Should Know.

2010-12-03T21:56:00.002-07:00

Sooooo...It's been a while since a post but this one is well worth it. I found a list of 50 things every guy should know. I've decided to let the world see how I measure up to the standards that society has imposed. Here...We...Go...

50. Change a tire - Check, and have done it several times.

49. Use a charcoal grill - Check, takes a lot longer but the flavor is great.

48. Bong a beer - I was young and stupid once, so yes I've bong a beverage or two...or too many to count

47. Throw a punch without looking like a sissy - According to Nick I've got this down...

46. Fry a turkey - Yep. Oil + turkey = delicious.

45. Hook up the cable - C'mon that easy.

44. Pick-up a woman with a one-liner - yeah this one needs some serious work.

43. Get your money's worth at a buffet - Closed the place.

42. Some assembly required - Please...

41. Know your local professional sports teams - Jazz, Grizzlies, Bees, and Real; Got it covered.

40. Pour a beer - Tilt and pour, easy.

39. Jump-start a car - Had to jump start my Ranger not to long ago, no problems

38. Throw a football - It's not a perfect spiral, but I can throw one.

37. Haggle for a lower price - $10,000 off my new truck...yep done.

36. Tie a tie - Dammit! FAIL!

35. Erect a tent - A to A, B to B...easy.

34. Cast a fishing rod - Used to be an avid fisherman, but caused me to drink too much.

33. Build a fire - With a lighter, yes. With a match, yes. With gas, yeppers. With two sticks, hell no I'm not Bear Grylls

32. Tap and operate a keg - Tap-No, Operate-Yes.

31. Use a chainsaw - Like a lumberjack.

30. Paddle a canoe/kayak - Really is this that hard to master.

29. Choose a scotch/whiskey - I like a good whiskey but scotch isn't my thing.

28. Drive a manual car - In a pinch while killing the engine a lot yeah I can.

27. Pick-up a girl using your dog as a wingman - No dog so no.

26. Know how to navigate a road trip - Never Eat Soggy Waffles, can do it-to it. GPS anyone?

25. Perform CPR - I'm not a paramedic.

24. Iron a shirt - I can if I have to, but otherwise best left to my mom.

23. Shine your shoes - Soft rag and polish been done.

22. Do at least ten push-ups on command - Yeah I can.

21. Dance - What's your definition of dance?

20. Play poker - Play well enough to hold my own.

19. Parallel park - Easy-Peasy-Lemon-Squeezy.

18. Unclog a toilet - Insert plunger, continue until done.

17. Upgrade at a hotel - Never have tried nor needed to.

16. Rally after a big night of drinking - It's been done before, but it's never pretty.

15. Spot fake breasts - I'd like to say yes but don't have enough experience to confirm.

14. Choose the right urinal - One opening between all parties.

13. Sew a button - Like a boss!

12. Unhook a bra with one hand - I'm keeping this one close to the vest.

11. Open a bottle unconventionally - Used a belt buckle once, so I'm counting it.

10. Talk your way out of a traffic ticket - Never have had a ticket, so I'm counting this as a pass.

9. Off-road without flipping the ATV - I've only rolled my bike once, rubber side is always down otherwise.

8. Buy a gift for a woman - I've done it but has it been successful, thats up to you ladies.

7. Surf the web anonymously - Don't quite know why this one's here but I know how to clear the history files.

6. Spot a liar - Looking down and to the left I see...liar face.

5. Drive in crappy conditions - It's Utah and I own a truck, got it covered.

4. Change a diaper - I've done it but am out of practice.

3. Make a drink - I can make the basics.

2. Shave - Really, I've been shaving everyday for the last five years.

1. Make a mean breakfast - Hells yes, camp with me and I'll give you a heart attack.

Final Score: 43 of 50. I'm a man! THE man!

Utah Tailgating (Yeah, It Happens)

2010-07-09T15:15:00.002-06:00

Utah and tailgating may sound like an oxymoron, but let me tell you it happens and it's a whole lot of fun.

The tailgating lot "officially" sits in the parking lot of Guardsman Way and South Campus Drive. Where hundreds of fans clad in red, along with the occasional opponent defector, drink a lot of alcohol, eat tons of food, and reminisce about the past Ute games.

Truly, however, tailgating takes place all over campus in every parking lot. Where I like to plop down is either at the Huntsman Center lot or at the Student Center lot and pound a couple of beverages, eat a couple of sausages, and prepare to watch a butt kicking instituted by our boys in red.

Utah tailgating may not be in the same league as say USC, UCLA, Texas, Florida, or any SEC team for that matter. But we are miles ahead of the Cougars, where you sit around drink primary punch (thats Kool-Aid minus the sugar) while you share your favorite Book of Mormon passage.

Anyway you look at it, Utes know how to have a good time. Before and after games.

My Favorite Utah Team

2010-07-07T19:46:00.005-06:00

Let's face it. Utah has been playing football for over 110 years, and maybe only 20 of those years stand out as great teams. Of course you have to include the 2008 Sugar Bowl team and the 2004 Fiesta Bowl team. But what others stand out in that 110 year span? There was 1994, the first time Utah gained national recognition. Finished ranked in the top 10. And 2003, the year Urban Meyer turned all expectations around and made Utah a perennial threat.

To me personally there is only one great Utah football team, 2008. It may seem that this is only because it was the most recent successful team to gain national recognition, but no it is because I feel that I have a very special connection with that year's team.

After years of hard work I finally graduated with my Bachelor's Degree from the University of Utah in 2008. Add to that that I had several classes with some of that teams stars and I have more memories added to that year. I had a communications class with Brian Johnson (who by the way is not that bright of a guy) and a Economics class with Jason Boone just to name a few.

Beside my personal connection there are many other reasons that I love this team more than any other. For one Utah's 2004 team had much of a "white-collar" appeal. They steam-rolled every single opponent they faced all thanks to the Spread Offense. At the time no one had seen the spread offense and had no idea how to stop it. By 2008 the spread had lost it's schtick and had become quite normal, so what did Utah do to combat this problem? They turned to another current fashion and heavily instituted the Wildcat.

Aside from the adjusted offense, Utah returned to their tradition of having one of the toughest Defenses in the country. Anchored by tough as nails linebackers and safetys that patrolled centerfield waiting to poach an interception they were nearly unstoppable.

Add in that 2008 featured the head coaching duties of Kyle Whittingham and it gets better. Although Whittingham played for the rival Cougars in college, he learned the error of his ways and joined up with the Utes as an assistant in 1994, 14 years later he finally got his shot as Head Coach and has made it worth while. With his own recruits in the driver's seat Whitty is what made Utah who they are.

Drama was the name of the game in 2008. Starting with a squeaked out win in the Big House against Michigan to open the year and two incredible come from behind wins against Oregon State and TCU. We knew this was going to be a special year.

I vividly remember the Oregon State game down by 8 with 2:30 minutes left in the game, the Utes kicked into gear. Scoring a TD, and converting a two-point conversion to tie it up with about 1:30 left in the game. The D holds stronger than ever converting a three-and-out giving Utah the ball back with more than enough time. Then the most magical thing I could ever imagine occurred. 45,000+ fans all on their feet started chanting in unison "Louie, Louie, Louie." Everyone knew that the game was in the hands of star kicker Louie Sakoda. Sakoda had become the darling of the Utah football team and everyone knew he was going to win the game for us. Booting a easy-as-pie 35-yarder Sakoda won the game without an ounce of stress, resulting in the first of three field rushes that year.

Against TCU another field rush, Utah who dressed in their black uniforms for the first time ever marched down the field in the final minute to score the winning touchdown. Utah made TCU look like the weakest team in the country, which we later found out was in no way the case.

Top it all off with a blowout win over BYU to cap off the regular season it couldn't be beat. Then finally against all doubters, with no one in their corner Utah had nothing to lose against Alabama. Alabama had been ranked No. 1 for a good portion of the year, but Utah wasn't flinching. Scoring 21 unanswered points in a span of seven minutes to open the Sugar Bowl, Utah went on to win with no problems at all.

These are the reasons my favorite Utah team ever is the 2008 Sugar Bowl champion Utes.

How I became a Ute.

2010-07-06T12:18:00.004-06:00

Being born a Canning there was no other team I could ever root for. You might say that I was born with Crimson blood coursing through my veins. Both my parents were born and raised in the Salt Lake City area (Dad in South Salt Lake, Mom in Murray), and for as long as I can remember I've been attending football games.

My parents used to buy tickets through their companies, who during the '80s would buy a block of seats at the games and sell them to their employees at a cheaper rate. Throughout the decade we watched as Utah teams got thrown around by teams, just dreaming of the day when the Utes would be big time (little did we know it would take two more decades). At the time my Dad worked for a company, Northwest Pipeline, that occupied a building in Research Park-a part of the U's property. As such we had incredible seats in the South End Zone right below the old scoreboard featuring a block U logo with a Native American's silhouette. These were the years when Rice Stadium was half full on a good day. We later were moved to the old North End Zone when my Mom got the tickets from her company National Semiconductor. This was when the North End Zone was all General Admission, and you had to get their pretty early to get a decent seat.

I've been told I was taken to Utah football games as an infant in a little red snowsuit to stay warm. Years later I would go but lost interest in the games all too quickly and by the second quarter I was either playing with my smuggled in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to keep me busy or reading the game program to learn all of the referee's hand signs. To this day I still know a large majority of the signs.

It wasn't until about third grade that I came to watch the games the whole way through. I remember Mike McCoy with a d-lineman about to tackle him throwing a bullet into the end zone to a freshman Kevin Dyson to win the Freedom Bowl. I remember Steve Smith taunting Cougar fans by stating "Even our cheerleaders are kicking your ass" when a Ute male cheerleader beat the hell out of a fan that tried to tackle him and the U flag. I remember both 34-31 wins, the first of which Chris Yergeson booted a Sakoda-like 50-yard field goal to beat BYU for the first time in years. I remember when duck calls rung throughout the stadium calling for Utah's dramatic "Duck" play. I remember when the game ball was delivered by a parachuter and when a person dressed in traditional Ute Indian garb rode across the astroturf with a flaming spear so he could stab a bail of hay on the 50 yard line.

Years later I myself finally became a true Ute in that I graduated from the University of Utah in 2008, the same year that Utah went undefeated and went to a BCS game for the second time.

My life has been filled with 25 years of Utah football memories. And I look forward to many more in the coming years.

Part of NCAA Football 11 video game's release week festivities about your favorite team.

Utah Utes to the Pac-10

2010-07-06T12:11:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog. And there have been some incredible things going on in the world. Oil leaks both locally and abroad, economic woes continue, and the World Cup whipping people into a frenzy.

The biggest news, however, came about two weeks ago when the Pac-10 athletic conference invited two teams to join their ranks. The University of Colorado (at Boulder) was invited first and accepted nearly immediately, the other the greatest university in the country...THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH.

As I posted on Facebook days before the invitation was extended "Just get together already. He wants her, she wants him. Pac-10 just invite the Utes. The Utes have already rented a tux and bought the flowers."

Utah accepted the invitation just hours after it was extended, and the Utes are now set to leave the ranks of the lower tier college sports and join the prestigious ranks of the "classiest" conference in the country. It is the dream of every Ute fan to join the Pac-10, one that was thought to be far-fetched. But as is the case Dreams do come true.

So to introduce ourselves to the ranks of the Pac-10 here are the basics about our beloved Utes so that you understand, we come to party...and we won't stop partying until where handed the roses.

Name: The University of Utah

Location: Salt Lake City, Utah. Approximately 5 miles east of downtown SLC.

Founded: 1850 as the University of Deseret by Brigham Young (the irony of the fact that the former-Mormon leader founded the school and our chief rival is named after him is not lost on us).

Chief Rival: BYU, and to a lesser extent Utah State University.

Mormon?: While the majority of the state of Utah are Mormon, Salt Lake City is only about 35-40% Mormon.

Alcohol?: Oh yeah we drink, and we drink with the best of 'em. Swing by our tailgate parties and you'll see that we mean business.

Nickname: Utes, after the Native American tribe that lived in the mountains around SLC. The state's name Utah is also derived from the tribe meaning "people of the mountains."

Sensitivity?: The University of Utah has an agreement with the Ute Tribe that states the school may use the name as long as they do not disgrace it.

Stadiums: Football: Rice-Eccles Stadium-seats 45,000; Basketball: Jon M. Huntsman Center-seats 15,000; Baseball: Spring Mobile Ballpark-seats 15,000.

Famous Alumi: NFL - Alex Smith, Scott Mitchell, Steve Smith, & Jamal Anderson. NBA - Andrew Bogut, Keith Van Horn, Andre Miller, Tom Chambers, Michael Doleac, & Hanno Mottola.

My Grandpa Barlow

2010-05-10T20:56:00.002-06:00

About 15 or so years ago today, one of my fondest memories occurred. My mom and I joined my grandparents on a day trip to Promontory Point for the annual Golden Spike celebration. We rode out in my grandpa's big ol' motor-home with me planted in the co-pilot seat navigating with a map. After watching the festivities we piled back in the motor-home for some KFC that we bought along the way.

A little over a year later my grandpa died from lung cancer. This was my last great memory of my grandpa. Thinking about it now my grandpa had a lot of grandkids, but yet I was the only one that ever got to go on a trip with him in his prized motor-home.

To this day the memories created that day make me smile.

The Way Too Early Utah Football Notes

2010-04-17T22:54:00.002-06:00

Today the Utes held the annual Red-White spring football game up at ol' RES. A chance for fans to get a glimpse of this years boys in red, and a chance for the seldom played boys to strut their stuff on the field. If was a good day, other than starting QB Jordan Wynn going down on the second play with a suspected separated shoulder.

I've been going to the spring games pretty regularly for the last few years and they have never been this popular. Only the chair seats on the west side of the stadium were available to sit at but the entire section was full of fans. There were spring game in the past where only 100 fans (if that) showed up. I was quite impressed with Utah Fans' enthusiasm for this team.

While very few of the stars played much, the backups made their time count. The coaches son, Tyler Whittingham, even got his named called a handful of times. I was impressed with the showings of Freshman QB Griff Robles who threw a couple of bombs for touchdowns, as well as the new corp of linebackers who are looking to fill some big shoes.

I'm now officially excited for the real season to kickoff on Sept. 2. My worries, while still there, are less severe. Utah will once again have a strong football team. One that will challenge for supremacy in the Mountain West Conference.

So for the first time in 2010...GO UTES!!! I know this won't be the last time.

Letter to the Editor of The Globe Newspaper

2010-03-24T23:31:00.002-06:00

Dear Editor,

The Globe Newspaper is an incredible asset to the students, faculty, and community of Salt Lake Community College. It provides useful information and lends a critical eye on important issues to all of its readers.

I recently learned that The Globe’s budget was cut significantly, I worked for the newspaper for the better part of four years and we too had budgetary problems all along the way. On more than one occasion there was pressure to be folded into the Student Life and Leadership organization on campus. This presents the problem of conflict of interest, if The Globe is ran by the school it cannot report as an unbiased party. That is precisely the problem plaguing Brigham Young University’s “Daily Universe.”

It is no secret that the newspaper industry is in trouble and years ago The Globe began preparing for the trouble by joining forces with “The Chrony” from the University of Utah. In the first two years of the partnership our advertising revenue greatly increased, which lessened the need for financial support from the college.

As a former Editor of The Globe, I completely understand the budgetary issues associated with running one of Utah’s top college newspapers. With a limited budget it is extremely hard to attract qualified writers, or for that matter willing writers, to cover campus events. When I ran The Globe, and furthermore when my predecessors ran it, I pushed hard for my writers to cover as many campus issues as possible. Of course things fell through the cracks and things were not covered due to staffing limitations, but we did what we could with what he had.

I left the newspaper at the top of it’s game and I have heard rumblings that there have been major shakeups in the makeup of the Globe Student Media Council (GSMC), The Globe’s governing body. I feel that this is where the problem truly lies. During my tenure I had all of the support in the world from the GSMC, but I can see that without them the newspaper would not have been able to survive.

I for one completely support The Globe and it’s mission as SLCC’s Independent Voice. I know that I am not the only Globe alumnus that will show my support and in the following days more alumni will show theirs as well.

Jeren W. Canning
The Globe Newspaper Editor-in-Chief 2007-2008
Salt Lake Community College Alumnus

10 Things That Must Go

2010-02-20T22:54:00.002-07:00

I have been increasingly annoyed by things lately partly because of my stressful job situation, and partly because...well people are just annoying as hell. Here is my latest list of things that must go and never come back.

10. American Idol - I don't care about Justin or Kelly or David (Can't believe I know so many of their names). It is a worthless show that does nothing but lend to the destruction of the our society.

9. Ice Dancing - Come on how in the hell did this "sport" get voted into the Olympics while baseball and softball are voted out of the Olympics? And how are the Americans so good at it? There is already an event for figure skating, does there really need to be one for a more boring version?

8. Lady Gaga - Poker Face...more like poke her eyes out. Whatever this person's gender save the world of music and just quit singing, for the love of god quit singing.

7. People who re-ask a question after you've already answered it - Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth! If you would listen the first time, you wouldn't have to get so pissy about my wasting your time.

6. Taxes - I don't care if the government takes money out of my paycheck or gives it back to me, but I hate to fill out the stupid little forms that make sense to no one.

5. Softball Guys - Those idiots in the rec leagues that think a scout from the Yankees is in the stands looking for the next Derek Jeter. These same guys can be found in gyms, construction sites, and in call centers.

4. People who won't give you a straight answer for an important question - Just give me the facts as you know them. Don't sugar coat it I'm a big boy, and don't try to talk circles around me you're not smart enough to pull it off.

3. Suck ups (a.k.a. brown nosers, kiss ups, yes men...) - You know that I'm more qualified than you and you're threatened by it. How about instead you prove you can do the job by DOING IT.

2. People who think they can tell you how to do your job - If you want or think you can do it better go ahead, I'll grab a coke and wait for you to fail. Oh and by the way don't ask me for help, because you know how to do it better than me...I'm just an idiot.

1. Man purses - Really? I mean really? Is it that difficult to fit a wallet, cellphone and keys in your pants pockets? Leave the colostomy carrier at home you're not cool and it's doesn't match your shoes.

2010 Super Bowl Pool

2010-02-06T19:28:00.003-07:00

Here is this year's Super Bowl pool grid, so far. Once every square is filled I will randomly draw numbers to put along the top row and left columns. If you're square lands at an intersection with a score at the end of a quarter or game, then you win the money for that portion.

Numbers along the top and left correspond to the score at the end of each quarter. If at the end of the third quarter the score is Colts 28-Saints 24, the person who bought the square at the Colts 8 and Saints 4 would win $25.

Should the game go into overtime (BTW, the Super Bowl has never gone into overtime), the money reserved for the fourth quarter will roll over to the final score.

The payout will be:

$25 for the First Quarter

$50 for the Second Quarter (Halftime)

$25 for the Third Quarter

$100 for the Final

As you can see I still have squares open let me know if you would like to purchase a few, just $2 a piece.

Things I Thought I Would Know By Now...

2010-02-01T21:42:00.003-07:00

I came to a realization today. Somewhere between the mundane workday and the stress that comes with tomorrow I said to myself more than once, "I thought I would know that by now."

Jeff Foxworthy has a bit acknowledging my train of thought. He states that he wishes he knew how Jell-0 worked or how they figure out how long to make a bungy jumper's rope. Foxworthy speaks of the humorous things, but my thoughts are of problems a "normal" 25-year-old should know.

I Wish I knew...

1. ...How to tie a neck tie. I don't to the stupid clip on B.S. and I have three or four ties hanging in my closet all of which have been tied by my dad because I have never learned how.

2. ...How tennis scoring works. I get the 15-30-40-match, win by two progression but what I don't get is how the sets and games work. How does someone win in straight sets or not?

3. ...How to write a good resume. Of course I have one and it does have all the necessary information but it doesn't seem to catch the attention of prospective employers.

4. ...Where my mom came up with her brownie recipe. So damn good I swear they are special-brownies.

5. ...How to be more assertive. Let's face it I'm quite the pushover, this needs to change.

6. ...How to make more money. Does this really need explanation.

7. ...How to stop procrastinating. I have this little problem of waiting until the last possible minute to do any real work. I think it has something to do with my journalism background and needing the pressure of a looming deadline to kick my ass into gear.

8. ...How to meet/date women. No game, no game, no game...AT ALL.

9. ...Where to buy a good suit. Every guy needs one yet, I don't.

10. ...How to make more money. Get a better job is at the top of my list trust me.

Well, looks like I have some work to do to check figure this stuff out...

My Book

2010-01-28T20:17:00.003-07:00

For about a year now I've been toying around with an idea for a book. A book that explores the humorous events I've witnessed or been told of. Yes, some were fueled by alcohol, but in no way are they degrading or reprehensible like something you might read from the like of Tucker Max.

Granted Max has made a fortune on stories that stretch the truth, but he also takes his stories too far. While very funny his treatment of women is off-putting and his "I'm a self-proclaimed asshole" persona does not grant him pardon.

I definitely don't want to come across the same way Max does, because that's not me. Anyone that knows me knows I don't have the heart to be an jerk to a person for no valid reason.

I plan on my book bringing you to the brink of tears via laughter, if nothing else because you've been there and have experienced that exact thing. The basic premise for my book is stupid adventures you've had. I've heard sexy stories, disturbing stories, and WTF stories from anyone willing to share. I sincerely hope you'll read it, if and when it's done.

CHANGE: The time is right for change in sports.

2010-01-11T22:37:00.004-07:00

Recently ESPN Magazine printed an article called the 31 things that will make sports better. About two-thirds of which are stupid ideas that will only hurt the sports in which they effect. Honestly is there really a problem with the NFL's pace of play (#2), or the American League's Designated Hitter rule and the National League's lack there of (#3), or my personal favorite govern the length of a basketball player's shorts (#10). ESPN open your eyes, your rules either change the game itself or are so miniscule they don't matter. Here are a sports fans real things that need changing for the better:

15. Fix NFL overtime.

It took NFL decades to finally adopt the two point conversion and it's changed the game. Adoption of college football overtime rules brings in more excitement and parity in a horrible system.

14. Ban all performance enhancing drugs.

Every sport from baseball to horse racing needs mandatory random drug testing aided by swift and harsh punishment for violators.

13. Stiffen salary cap in baseball.

No more you pay a fine if you're over (I'm looking at you Yankees) each team must stay below a total player salary of $100 million per year. If you're over you don't play and you forfeit each game until it is resolved.

12. Separate professional-amateur olympic events.

Still hold the Olympics on schedule in the appointed city but in the major sports (baseball, basketball, soccer, golf, and hockey) countries must field two teams a professional team and a amateur team.

11. No drafting of high school students.

A required two year gap must occur after high school and drafting (college or international play can be used in the interim).

10. Banning the BCS.

Give us what we, the fans, want a playoff. Nothing fancy just a simple eight-team three-week playoff, teams are determined by the top eight computer generated teams.

9. Abolishment of unions.

Screw the unions, they only serve as a safety blanket for athletes who can't follow the rules in the first place.

8. Unify boxing titles under one banner.

How many damn boxing champs are there? For each weight class there is one belt, period.

7. Allow athletes to compete in multiple sports.

Remember the good ol' days when Dion Sanders and Bo Jackson played baseball and football that was so much fun why can't it still be done today?

6. Allow athletes to show emotion.

If a player is showing a little emotion and is not harming anyone, let it be. If a Ute player wants to flash the U at the stands during a game let him (Referees will need common sense for this one...I know unlikely right?).

5. Simplify NASCAR scoring.

If a driver wins, 25 points, one less for each place after the winner. You led the most laps? Tough...you only get the most points if you win.

4. Expanded instant replay in NFL, NHL, NBA and NCAA.

It has greatly helped the NFL and college football, and is pointless in baseball.

3. Centralized scheduling.

For college sports, allow the NCAA to schedule all games. Conference games will be scheduled normally but non-conference will be randomly set, giving mid- and low-major the opportunity to prove themselves against the big boys.

2. Force athletes to take responsibility for their actions on and off the field.

Act irresponsibly and you're next pay check is automatically donated to charity.

1. REPLACE BUD SELIG IMMEDIATELY!!!

The commissioner of baseball has ruined the once great game, Bob Costas needs to take over now and produce rampant changes.

2009 Canny Awards - Yearly Bro Award Show

2010-01-04T17:18:00.003-07:00

Every year I award great friends and major events of the past year an award called the Canny (seen at right). Here are this years award winners:

The "Just Kicking It” Award (Friend You Spent Most Time With)
Nick & Kyle

Person with New Talent Award
Kyle and his playbook

Newcomer of the Year
Greg Wilson

Quotes of the Year (TIE)
“Jeren, I don’t think you realize we’re watching WCW wrestling.” –Nick Parker
“I’m not using sign language, I’m making letters with my hands.” –Greg Wilson

Wingman of the Year
Kyle Ford, got me farther in one night than I did in five years

Host of the Year
Kyle Ford, because he’s the only one with a place to host.

Slacker of the Year
Nick, what are we on round 7…8…

Craziest Of The Year
Dark Saturday, Nick pukes all over himself and Kyle’s futon.

Best Song (TIE)
Don’t Stop Believing – Journey

(An oldie but a goodie)
Sweet Caroline – Neil “The Neil” Diamond

(This also happened to be the first song I heard of the new year, great way to start 2010)

Best Movie (TIE)
Avatar

(not the best ever but best of the year)
The Hangover

(best seen while tipsy at Brewvies)

Worst Movie
Burn After Reading

(You think it’s a Schwinn, best and only good line)

Best TV Show
How I Met Your Mother

(I swear they're talking about me sometimes)

Most Comfy Spot Ever! of 2009
Brewvies

Biggest Achievement of 2009
Enrolling in an MBA program

Greatest Day of 2009
January 2, Utah works Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.

Best Group Of The Year
The Bro High Council

Drinking Buddies of the Year?
Kyle, drinking then making Nick drive us home after work.

Lifetime Service Award (Longest Friend)
Tyler Birtcher

(Longtime neighbor and lifelong friend)

What Were You for Halloween?
At the Utah football blackout game (Utah won).

Biggest Douche bag Award?
Jesse something…Delta Bravo to the extreme.

Stupidest Idea When Drunk?
Attempted chicken fights

Biggest Change of the Year?
Going back to school for my MBA.

New Year Resolution?
The usual, lose a few pounds, find a girl, etc.

Support Milo.

2009-12-28T20:02:00.005-07:00

Followers of my writing know how much I enjoy a cold beverage at a little watering hole in Downtown Salt Lake City called Brewvies. A place where everybody know my name, it's the closest to my very own Cheers that I'll ever get.

Recently it was announced that Milo Hobbs, one of Brewvies best bartenders and greatest men, was diagnosed with Cancer. Milo has already started treatment which has left him unable to work and without insurance. The greatest of guys, Milo, is stuck in a most horrible of situations.

Friends of Milo have come out to support the man, a benefit concert is being held in his honor on January 22 to help raise money for his treatment and to simply get him through this trying time. Some of Salt Lake's best up and coming bands have signed on in support of Milo. It will surely be a great night and I for one wouldn't miss it for the world.

Although I really don't know much about Milo, this has really struck me and it should you too. Whether you know him or not come out to Burt's Tiki Lounge on January 22 and give until it hurts I will do whatever I can to help Milo out in this time of need.

Visit www.milobenefit.com for more information on the Rise Above Benefit for Milo Hobbs.

Sometimes the losses make you who you are.

2009-12-10T20:16:00.005-07:00

Tonight's 7 p.m. time slot was pretty mundane forcing me to go endlessly flipping through the hundreds of channels offered on my digital cable box. After watching the obligatory rerun of The Simpsons and Seinfeld I was in need of some fresh entertainment. I randomly flipped to the sports channels (ESPN, The MTN., and the like) to see if any game was on to watch, there wasn't but I was happy to find a suitable replacement in a show called Replay.

The show, sponsored by everyone's favorite sports beverage - Gatorade, gives athletes a second chance to relive that one moment that they regret. The ceremonious opening shows empty views of football fields, baseball fields, and hockey rinks while the deep-voiced announcer speaks of no second chances in sports, except when Gatorade steps in.

Today's lucky group were bitter high school rivals Easton and Phillipsburg High School, the epic rivalry came to a head in 1993 when the game ended in a tie. Ever since the two schools' players have wished for a second chance to right their wrong. The players now in their early thirties trained for over two months for a chance at playing their rival just once more. Although the "Replay"-ed game ended with Phillipsburg winning convincingly the players could not have been happier knowing that they still played like champions 16-years later.

The show got me thinking about my athletic misstep, 1997 Bennion Junior High vs. Eisenhower Junior High - The War for the Warrior rivalry wrestling duel. We were told the Bennion vs. Eisenhower wrestling duel was the biggest of all rivalries and as a 13 year-old eighth grader I believed it. I was the varsity 240-pound wrestler, weighing only 190 I was greatly out mismatched on the mat. I admit I was a horrible wrestler only winning one match during junior high but regardless I pushed myself hard to be part of the team.

Since both BJH and EJH fed into Taylorsville High, the match was nicknamed the War for the Warrior which had a traveling trophy and all. Although my Bennion had traditionally been the more dominate team overall in the district Eisenhower always seemed to beat us in our yearly matchup. I remember the that we were leading the points in the duel for most of the night until the upper weights started to falter, by the time my weight was up (the last match of the night) we were down by four points. By rule there are only three ways to score four or more points in a wrestling match: 1. technical fall (four points)-win the individual match by 10 points , 2. pin fall (seven points)-pinning the opponent, and 3. forfeit (seven points)-counts just like a pin fall.

I knew I couldn't tech fall Eisenhower's best and biggest wrestler, and he wasn't going to forfeit so I was left with only one option, pin him. And my teammates were no slouches to making sure I knew how much was on my shoulders.

As soon as the whistle blew I thought my only chance was to go at him quick, I was wrong. He threw me around for one round, then just a few seconds into round two he flipped me onto my back and pinned me. I remember laying there on the mat in the middle of Taylorsville High's gym staring up at the spotlight hanging above me while Eisenhower's team celebrated. I got up shook my opponent's hand gave him a bro-hug then walked over to my coach, where the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop them.

I let my whole team down and it was the one athletic moment in my life that I do regret. Second chances don't happen in sports, although I feel bad about not winning or even putting up much of a fight I've moved on to bigger and better things.

Life isn't about all the wins, sometimes the losses make you who you are.

I Don't Care

2009-11-30T23:55:00.002-07:00

Why do people forcefully shove information in your brain without your permission? For the past several months a girl I work with has been telling us all her life story against my will. As comedian Ron White says "She raped my ear."

Let me make this loud and clear, if I want to know about your life I'll ask you. Over the last few weeks she has told me about her thinking she's pregnant because she's sick every morning, told me about her second job for absolutely no reason, and today tried to tell me about clothes that she's going to buy.

I DON'T CARE! I'm at work to work nothing else, the others there are my co-workers not my friends. I will be polite to you as long as you're polite to me, but don't expect me to listen to your B.S. stories about you're sexual activities, grandkids' sporting events, or "that new website YouTube."

I understand that a workplace is most people's only social networking experience, but how about you open your eyes and realize that we don't care about your life outside of those walls.

I don't care that you're daughter just graduated from the U, because guess what I did too and you're just trying to show me up. I don't care that you "forgot" to use protection with you're stupid boyfriend. And I especially don't care that you're a health nut and "I should be eating better," just let me eat my Dorito's in peace and leave me alone.

Unlike the people I work with I have friends and family to talk to, bounce ideas off of and have truly meaningful conversations with. My advise to those losers that have to tell me their whole life story against my will...find someone who WANTS to hear your stories, anybody but me.

My Bucket List

2009-11-17T12:12:00.004-07:00

This is my want list of everything that I wish for in my life. These are the things that I will do or achieve before I...Kick The Bucket...I may be only 25, but I don't want to live my life with regret.

25. Attend a baseball game in every Major League Baseball stadium (I already have the Angels checked off the list only 29 more to go).

24. Go to a Super Bowl.

23. Go to and see every game in a World Series

22. Earn a Masters Degree (Working on this one right now, should be crossed off within 15 months).

21. Earn a Ph.D. (Down the road a bit, but Dr. Canning sounds awesome...am I wrong?).

20. Build a cabin (none of that buy stuff).

19. Get an article published in a major newspaper.

18. Get an article published in a major magazine.

17. Get a book published.

16. Buy a house (With some luck this one is in sight).

15. Get paid a $1,000,000 check (just once it would be awesome).

14. Work for a major corporation (Qwest doesn't count they're lame).

13. Win an award for being the best at something.

12. Stand up for a cause.

11. Retire by 50 (I only have 25 years to pull this one off).

10. Write a screenplay.

9. Weigh 250 (I'm working on it, slow and steady).

8. Travel to a few of the major cities in Europe (Paris, London, Barcelona, Rome...)

7. Travel to the town my family comes from, Cannings, England (Supposedly an hour outside of London).

6. Travel to Woodstock's 50th anniversary in a VW Bus with my dad (10 years to make it happen).

5. Fall in love (Yeah I know its girly but whatever...How 'bout them bears?...).

4. Follow the Utes to every game for a year (That means traveling to the road games and being at every home game).

3. Meet my friends for a beer when I turn 75-years-old.

2. Own a bar (We'll call it puzzles...Why's it called Puzzles...That's the puzzle...).

1. Get married (Any takers?).

Stay Classy Utah!

2009-11-08T21:05:00.006-07:00

In an age where it seems that people are all about themselves it's extremely nice to know that there are some classy people out there still.

At November 7's University of Utah football game I saw several instances of class, before during and after the game. After the traditional national anthem and the band lining the sidelines awaiting the Utes' entrance hundreds of young football players from around the Salt Lake Valley gathered on the field. The problem was there were far too many kids and the line started at about midfield and wound it's way through the north end zone and nearly exiting the stadium through the northwest exit.

Eventually the Utes ran onto the field in traditional fashion, pumping up the crowd capacity crowd. The team then lined up and high-fived all of the kids in line waiting to greet them. However, with the line being so long the team greeted the kids leading up to the end zone as far as they could leaving a large line still wanting to greet them. As soon as starting safety Robert Johnson saw the other kids being left out he quickly ran the entire length greeting each and every one of them. He was followed by running back Eddie Wide, and Stephenson Sylvester. These three Utes made those kids' day by just taking the time to high-five them. While they knew they had a game to play, the players acknowledged their fans.

These are the same players that as the rush the field before every game they sprint to the north end zone and raise their U's to the crowd, a favor that we are glad to return.

During the game, Utah was thoroughly beating New Mexico with their new starting freshman at quarterback, Jordan Wynn. With a sound lead the Coach Wittingham pulled his starters and inserted the entire second string, including Terrence Cain the team's starting quarterback every other game this season. Although Cain is no longer the starter for the team he is more than willing to help out his team by rooting them on from the sidelines and signaling in plays.

As the score tallied higher for the Utes, they did the classy thing and did not pile on the points (something Bronco and the Cougars could learn). They understood the Lobos are a team that is struggling and didn't humiliate them like BYU tends to do to their opponents.

Classy and Utes, two words that belong together and rightfully so. Keep up the good work boys!

Top 10 Things About College Athletics

2009-10-28T20:46:00.002-06:00

These are the Top 10 reasons I love college sports much more than pro sports.

10. College football overtime rules! Equal possessions, if the first team scores the other has to or the game is over...Awesome.

9. Egos. Granted a 22 year-old's ego can be pretty big, but it's no where near as big as say Chad Johnson...er...Ochocinco.

8. Final Four tournament. Bar-none the best playoff tournament in the world. Where else is there a 64 team (plus one winner from a play-in game) playoff to determine the national champion? The best team always shows up and a few Cinderella's go dancing and upsetting the big boys.

7. Passion. There is so much passion in a stadium or arena that you can literally feel it vibrating.

6. Rankings. Every week there is a list of the 25 best teams in the country, you play well you move up lose you drop. Plain and simple.

5. Rivalries. The bitter hatred between rivals, so bitter that some rivalry games have had to be moved to neutral sites to avoid serious problems.

4. Focus on teams, rather than individuals. I may know every player on my team, but a few year's down the road I won't I'll just remember the team.

3. Education. You don't learn, you don't play...well if you're GPA isn't good enough you don't.

2. Tradition. Marching Bands, rituals, and superstitions, every school has them and they make each and every game and school unique and fun.

1. They play for the love of the game, not for the money.

Dear Pac-10...

2009-10-17T12:02:00.002-06:00

Dear Pac-10 athletic conference,

I write you today in the interest of persuading you to consider expansion once again. Now I know the name "Pac-12" is lame but if you listen to my points you will see that you have some very good options that will no doubt increase interest in your conference.

The rumor mill has been bustling with the thoughts of who the two teams to join may be. I have heard Colorado, Boise State, BYU and Utah's name's mentioned as possible teams. But let me propose this to you the University of Utah and Utah State University as your two schools.

A. Colorado is a great school one rich in football tradition, however, with the exception of a decent men's basketball team the school is lacking many necessary components that would make them a suitable option.

B. Boise State is quite the powerhouse in the WAC, but let's face it the WAC hasn't been anything special since the teams that now form the Mountain West bolted. Aside from that Boise doesn't quite fit into the "research school" category that the Pac-10 so desperately would like.

C. BYU is a tough program that will do what it takes to be the best, and I'm sure they would beg you to be a part of your conference. But BYU's sole purpose in athletics is to make themselves look better at the expense of anyone in their way. They think of themselves as an elite school when they're little more than a law and accounting factory. Add into the equation that they refuse to play on Sunday's and that makes them an ill-advised choice.

D. (your best option) Utah, a school who has done more with a small athletic budget (i.e. multiple national and conference championships) than the vast majority of the country has. Utah fits the bill as one of the finest research schools in the country, a strong football team that is only getting stronger, very competitive basketball teams that have both garnered national attention, and an exceptional gymnastics program, these are just a few of Utah's strong suits.

Now here I make my case for Utah State, USU has quite honestly one of the smallest budgets in the NCAA. But they strive for excellence and fit the bill that the Pac-10 in looking for. For instance, every school currently in the Pac-10 has a major or regional rival accompanying them (Arizona-Arizona State, Washington-Washington State, UCLA-Southern Cal, Oregon-Oregon State, and Stanford-Cal) a Utah-Utah State addition would be the perfect solution so that you once again have two neighboring schools.

USU is still in the growing stages of many of their athletic sports but they are quickly coming on. We're talking a bout a school that survived nearly five years as an independent football team and in the years to come Gary Anderson will turn heads when he takes out the likes of Boise State in the WAC.

This is my simple proposal, forget all the wannabes like BYU, Colorado, and Boise State, make the call and ask Utah and Utah State to join the new Pac-12. The two teams will no doubt fit into your conference but given the a little time they would excel.

Thank you and GO UTES! (and Go Aggies!)

-Jeren W. Canning

Lifelong Ute Fan, and longtime Aggie sympathizer.

That is soooo High School.

2009-10-09T09:08:00.002-06:00

Nearly every time I log into my Facebook (or even more rarely MySpace) another person I hardly know has requested to by my friend.

I am currently "friends" with a whole bunch of people I went to high school with, but they're the people that I hardly talked to. Even worse these people post photos from the high school days and relive how cool they were.

Personally I hated high school, I hated the people in my school with the exception of two or three. And honestly why would I want to be friends with people that were quite stuck-up back in the day.

In high school, I wasn't popular enough to be in the popular cliques, I wasn't athletic enough to be in the sporty cliques, and wasn't smart enough to even fit in the smart cliques. This basically relegated me to being an outsider, the kid who ran the school newspaper (albeit until that went up in smoke as well).

These kids who continually talk about high school and post their old photos are the typical 20-somethings that have gone no where with their life and have to relive their glory days to get even the slightest feeling of importance. Get over yourself, maybe when you were 18 you were considered cool, but that was then. As Garth Algar from Wayne's World said "Live in the Now!"

A person can't live the next 40 years of their life being nostalgic for the high school days. These are the people who's lives will never be better than they were for those three years.

High school was three years of my life, I have been out of high school nearly three times longer than I was in high school and in those seven years I have changed myself into a much better person. Why would I want to be nostalgic for three years that don't mean much in the real world.

To those "kids" stuck in high school mode: Grow Up! There is much more to life.

True Character Bleeds Red

2009-09-30T22:44:00.005-06:00

Last Saturday evening I saw a sickening display at the University of Utah Football game, followed closely by a show of true character.

I sit in the Northeast corner of Rice-Eccles Stadium where I share the area with some pretty rowdy but all together harmless Ute fans. A few rows in front of us are seats set aside for the University's Athletic department. These seats are routinely given to department employees, prospective recruits and their families and occasionally former Ute players (This last week being Homecoming many former Utes were in attendance). This group is usually pretty calm and just cheer for the team.

On Saturday two jerks infiltrated our section and quickly pissed people off. These jerks continually made asses of themselves with every passing minute. People that know me know that I don't usually stereotype people simply by their looks, but these two jerks were quintessential examples of white trash, skin heads.

Anytime that either Utah or Louisville earned a first down, they would hold up a Nazi salute and yell "hiel." Furthermore, anytime Utah running back Eddie Wide carried the ball the pair would yell out "WIDE POWER" playing off the white supremacist slogan and one problem with their statement is that they were oblivious to the fact that Wide is a black man.

These racist-white supremacist-jerks continued their statements until someone on the same row finally got sick of their B.S.

An older gentleman confronted the guys who quickly retaliated by pushing the man and shouting multiple obscenities at him. That is when a former Ute football player stepped between the older man and the douchebags.

The former Ute, Kyle Brady from the 2004-2005 Undefeated Fiesta Bowl season, towered head and shoulder (and about half a torso) above the two jerks. As soon as the large Brady got involved the two jerks' eyes grew huge.

Brady easily held the two off who continued to scream in his face calling him every name in the book. Security finally broke up the scuffle (after a long 10 or so minute delay), the two jerks were escorted out of the stadium by three armed police officers.

A few minutes later an officer came to get Brady for some questioning and he returned only minutes later with no harm and a kind of proud smile on his face.

After the altercation and winded down and the game clock was ticking away, a fan approached Brady and thanked him for "Standing up for what's right" and asked him to autograph his hat. Brady's sly wit was apparent when he jokingly replied, "You only want my autograph because I almost got in a fight."

Not true Kyle, it's because you were a great player for the U and all of us in Section N27 now know what kind of person you are. One that stands up for what's right and won't put up with the B.S. of bigots and jerks.

Thank you again Kyle Brady and GO UTES!

Kyle Brady

University of Utah

Linebacker

2003-2007

Helped Utah win 2005 Fiesta Bowl

How I Met Your Mother, Season 5

2009-09-18T15:02:00.004-06:00

It's finally the fall television season, for months I have had to resort to watching reruns multiple times or even (dare I say it) horrible reality shows...Yes I did end up watching "The Real World" only because nothing else was on.

The shows debuting this year are quite weak, starring nothing but has-been's trying to reinvent themselves. And then there are the carbon copies...try and tell me "Mercy" isn't just going to be a rehashing of "ER."

So now my DVR turns to the returning favorites, "Smallville" looks again to present the Superman story minus the greatest of all DC villains, Lex Luthor. "Law & Order: SVU" looks to bounce back after a strong guest-star season, but a weak year for the overall story. Even these and other returning Drama's are not peaking my interest.

The show without a doubt that I am most looking forward to is "How I Met Your Mother." For the first three seasons the show flew under the radar and took on a sort of cult-like following usually reserved for the Sci-Fi genre. Season four, however, saw the show break through to the mainstream, but will the show now falter now that CBS is throwing large amounts of money at it?

HIMYM tells the story of Ted looking for his one true love. The entire story is told through flashbacks by adult Ted voiced by Danny Tanner...er...Bob Sagat. The show is full of inside jokes that only long-time viewers can catch and an endearing story that pulls at the emotions of many 20-somethings looking for the same thing that Ted is.

My friends and I have sat around and laughed at many of the funny aspects of the show. I have even been designated the official Crazy-Hot Scale moderator, a scale which tells a male suitor how crazy a girl must be to be acceptably hot while the closer to the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal the better.

What makes HIMYM so enjoyable is that it is entirely relatable. You feel for Ted's heartache and heartbreak because you've been there. You laugh at the alcohol-induced antics because you've been there. And you like this show because in some way, shape, or form we are these characters.

Monday evening season five debuts and I will definitely be watching as well as DVRing for future watching and laughing.

Grade-School Football Played By Twenty-Something's With Beer-Bellies

2009-09-10T21:11:00.006-06:00

Football season has started and I am now searching the websites for some cleats.

On a boring Thursday evening sitting on my couch surfing the net while watching the Steelers-Titans game, I once again stumbled upon a quite inspiring website. Called Salt Lake Flag Football, the website showcases some weekend warrior who play in a league on Saturdays. As I flipped through the pictures on this website, I can't help but notice how many "Softball Guys" play in this league.

Softball Guy: (noun), a male athlete long passed his prime, was star athlete in multiple sports while in high school but "chose" not to compete professionally or in college. A Softball Guy can be spotted wearing tight football/baseball pants and takes a friendly neighborhood game entirely too seriously. Upon completion of a play he will taunt opposing players, flex, and continuously shout "That's gonna by on Sportscenter!"

Aside from them the site made me want to go out and tear up the turf. I've never played any organized football but would love to go out to the local playground with a couple of friends throwing around a ball and acting like a bunch of idiots.

Recently a few friends and I have attempted to play a little basketball, and we don't take it too seriously. None of us are scholarship athletes for sure but we have a whole lot of fun running around the gym acting like 12 year-olds again.

Now I sit here planing a playbook for my little pickup game, while I buy some cleats online, and pick my team (Let's see I get to be a lineman, Kyle has linebacker/tight end locked up, Ty will fit in nicely as a receiver/corner, and Nick...we'll keep him on "special" teams).

Watch out Salt Lake, our football team is going to take you by storm. Winded breath, after winded breath we'll beat you one by one. And we'll try to refrain from passing the asthma inhaler around like a bong.

Bang The Gong, Let's Get It On!

2009-09-02T20:40:00.004-06:00

Who am I, Sir? A UTAH MAN AM I.

It has been well documented by now that I bleed Red and White. I am what many people would call a Utah Fanatic. I can name hundreds of players that have donned the crimson jersey, I can remember the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I've been known to shed a tear when the team loses, and I've been known to feel great pride when they win.

I've been to far too many football games to count. Since infancy I have been going with my family. When I was 5 I would lug in a backpack of Ninja Turtles to play with at the game, little did I know but my dad would hide a six-pack of beer under the Turtles and let me sneak it in.

I used to sit in the stands and practice the referee hand signals, to this day I know them all even the very obscure signals that you never see used.

As I write this we are only 22 hours away from the kick-off of the season. A season of hope, a season of rebuilding, and most importantly a season of definition.

In the last decade the Utes have rewritten the definition of who the University of Utah is. Before 2000, few people knew about the diamond in the rough that is the U of U. Sure Utah had a few brushes with greatness prior to the new millennium but nothing substantial. That has all changed. Utah is now a powerhouse known around the country as a team to not take lightly.

No matter what the next few months tell us about this year's Utes team, I will be there cheering them on. I will forever be waiting for the day when Utah is mentioned in the same breath as other National Champions.

Because after all a Utah Man Am I....GO UTES!

Colorful Cans...Can't We Find Something Better To Complain About?

2009-08-26T19:43:00.003-06:00

Earlier this month the Anheuser-Busch company, makers of Budweiser and Bud Light, decided to sell their two most popular brands in the colors of some of college football programs. The idea was to sell these colorful cans at stores near the campuses that they featured.

The plan was for these colorful cans to incorporate two of America's great pastimes, drinking beer and watching football.

The cans are sold in 12- and 24-packs featuring the school colors and designs from the school's uniforms. For instance, near Louisiana State University Bud Light is sold in purple cans with two yellow rings on the top and bottom. The company said because of possible trademark infractions team logos would not be printed on the cans. However, some college officials claim that the colors are in fact trademarked as well. If I remember my media law class correctly color should fall under the category of fair use.

What I don't understand how so many people have become upset over this simple promotion. Now rightfully it may have been a little hasty to only sell the colorful cans at stores close to campuses, but what is the big deal with buying a beer painted Utah Red, Florida Orange, Notre Dame Gold, or dare I ask BYU Blue?

According to the Wall Street Journal some people feel that selling color-coordinated beer will appeal to underage drinkers on America's college campuses. While Anheuser-Busch's parent company InBev announced that if any college made a formal request to stop the production of the color-coordinated cans.

Let's get it straight just because a can matches a kid's jersey color doesn't make them any more or less likely to drink.

Admittedly I probably will be scouring the grocery stores and gas stations in the 500 South area looking for one that sells some Bud Light in a Utah Crimson and White can.

I can see it now playing an hanging around the tailgate party before the Utah games sipping on a Bud Light from a red can... Apparently that creative marketing ploy really worked on me...

Woodstock: The Defining Event of an Entire Generation

2009-08-19T21:50:00.006-06:00

When did Peace, Love, and Rock 'n' Roll get replaced by Benjamins, Bitches, and Rap?

Fourty years ago the world was forever changed by what was supposed to be a quaint little outdoor rock festival in upstate New York. That little festival grew into the defining event of the generation in attendance.

Woodstock organizers struggled to get the city of Bethel, N.Y., to approve a permit for the expected 50,000 attendees. But in an age eons before Facebook and Twitter, word spread fast and soon music lovers from all over the country made what became known as a pilgrimage to the famed event. Over 400, 000 people showed up to the event so many that by the second day the organizers gave up on the ticketing and opened the gates for all.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll was what it was all about. Billed as "3 Days of Peace and Music" the festival not only showcased many of the greatest bands in existence, it also opened the world's eyes to bands that have since become legends in their own right.

It was hotter than hell, muddier than a pig pen, and 400,000 dirty bodies surely smelled like a landfill, but Woodstock 1969 was perfect.

My father recently told me the story of he and his friends sitting around a restaurant table trying to figure out a way to make the roughly 2,000 mile trip. Although they didn't make the drive you could tell just the thought of Woodstock brought back some incredible memories for him in his prime.

There were attempts to duplicate the magic that was created on that farm so many years ago, but none have come close. The festival's first reincarnation took place in 1979, with an extremely weak, relatively speaking, line-up of has beens and soloists separated from their former '69 bands. 1989's festival saw the birth of commercialism at the festival intended to be about the music.

Billed as "2 More Days of Peace and Music" the 25-anniversary Woodstock in 1994 was by far the best attempt to recreate the original. While only 30,000 attended the '94 event it was successful if nothing more than getting back to the music. But the commercialism continued with the entire event being underwritten by Pepsi. The peace and music was dying in favor of money.

1999 saw the death of the great festival, thanks largely to MTV's horrible planning. The concert was cut short when unruly fans ignited a bonfire which eventually spread to a speaker tower forcing the abrupt end of the bastard stepchild of Woodstock. MTV helped organize overpriced "merchandise malls" and impenetrable fences that only angered the concert goers. After the mayhem multiple trailers and porta-potty's were burned to ashes, at least four rapes were reported, but only seven people were arrested.

Thanks to the debacle of 1999, 2009's 40-Anniversary was nothing more than memories of the good ol' days.

Somewhere along the way those bright eyed dreamers of 1969, turned into money-hungry executives looking to exploit the "Peace and Music" festival for their own gain. Today we sit 10 years away from the 50-Anniversary and there needs to be another concert on the same farm that the original once was.

To the organizers...let the money go, it's about the music.

To the concert goers...let the anger go, it's about the peace.

It's time for another Woodstock festival just like the original and in 10 years I plan on climbing in my 1969 Volkswagon Bus and make the drive to New York, with my nearly 70-year-old Dad copiloting.

Yeah, I'm An X Gamer...What About It?

2009-08-12T19:53:00.006-06:00

I don't know if it's kosher with my age, but I love the X Games. Every August, and January for the winter version, I set my DVR to record endless hours of ESPN programing dedicated to "All That Is Extreme!"

I personally have never done a kick-flip on a skateboard, or a backflip on a motorcycle, or driven my pseudo-Subaru over 70 foot jumps. Even still I am glued to my TV judging every spin and and grind that these daredevils perform.

I enjoy watching the Games, because these athletes are doing things that I would love to do, but don't have the testicular fortitude for. I'm the guy that gets a little uneasy on roller coasters at Disneyland.

Being a longtime fan of motorcycles, off-road riding, and many things outdoors I easily gravitate to the world of extreme sports.

Three years ago I was jumping up and down with excitement in a Washington, D.C., hotel room when Travis Pastrana landed the first ever double-backflip on a motorcycle. As the announcer commented it was (emphasis on WAS) the Holy Grail of Freestyle Motocross tricks go.

This year was nothing short of awesome. Pastrana attempted to find that Grail again with a new trick only to land flat on his back, with a 300-pound motorcycle nearly landing on top of him. A couple of unknowns (at least unknown to a novice like me) made the street skateboarding event look like child's play. There was even a new event in which 'boarders climb to the top of a 50-foot tall ramp only to grind a rail that spanned a 50-foot gap.

I even watched kids (yes, kids) half my age perform amazing tricks that left me awestruck.

Much like the Olympics, the X Games celebrate the world's best but contrary to the Olympics' mystique the X Games is more about the fun of the sport.

I truly cannot wait until the next X Games are shown, I already have my DVR set to record them.

The Fountain, The Boot, and The Bell

2009-08-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

The football season is now a mere month away, and everything is starting to charge up for the University of Utah. For months now I have been eagerly awaiting the start of the new season, pondering the questions that were left unanswered from last year's epic season.

Who will quarterback the Utes? Junior College-transfer Terrence Cain or semi-proven two-year backup Corbin Louks.

How long will the longest winning streak in the country last for Utah? Currently sitting at 14.

I'm sure the answers to these and many more will be answered in the coming weeks and months. But in my search to quench my thirst of red I turned to a Google search. I simply typed in University of Utah Drum and Feather hoping to find a little information about the famed logo of the athletic program.

After sifting through pages of useless information I learned a little about the logo as well as more interesting things about Utah Athletics through the years.

The Bell.

Apparently the winner of an annual battle between Utah and Denver University was awarded an old Rio Grande Railroad bell.
For many years the bell was lost thought to be the victim of a forgotten time. A year ago it was found at a LDS church camp near Eden, Utah. According to the article it is not known how the bell ended up in Eden.

The bell is weathered and beat up thanks to years of abuse (I'll make the guess it was Utah haters), but it rightfully belongs at the U as the winner of the final Utah-Denver game. Utah Athletic Director Chris Hill needs to claim the bell and bring it home.

Think about it how awesome would it be to hear the old bell ringing after a win, while it hung from the top of Rice-Eccles Stadium.

The Boot.
As any true college football fan knows The Beehive Boot is a traveling trophy awarded annually to the football team that holds the best record among the other in-state colleges. For years I thought this only included Utah and BYU, a while ago I learned that Utah State is included in the fray. But today I learned that Weber State and Southern Utah are also eligible to win the old Boot.
Now I like that all five schools are included in the great rivalry, even though Weber and SUU have never won the trophy due to rarely playing the other schools, but I think it takes something away from the Utah-BYU rivalry.
Major rivalries across the country have their own often strange trophies. Ranging from Paul Bunyon's Axe to The Old Iron Skillet they are all icons of their respective rivalries. I think it is time for Utah and BYU to have their own traveling trophy that only they can win.

My suggestion: The bell from the U.S.S. Utah. The ship was sunk during the attack on Pearl Harbor and the bell is one of the only things recovered from the ship. It would add a necessary historical connection that is sorely needed in the rivalry.
The Fountain of Ute.

If you've ever driven past Rice-Eccles Stadium I'm sure you've noticed the old brick building sitting just off of 500 South in the stadium parking lot, this is the Fountain of Ute.

Originally it was a water well used to wet the whistles of those on campus, but over the course of 40 years it has taken on a great mystique. The story goes that in the '50s and '60s the small building was used as a laboratory for the U's biology department. The lucky students that used the lab were also some of Utah's best student athletes.

The decade of the '60s was possible the best ever for athletics at the U (not counting the current decade). Men's Basketball took two trips to the NCAA Final Four, Baseball advanced to the national tournament, and Football enjoyed a Liberty Bowl win and a #14 ranking.

Rumor has it that coaches from the various sports would use the Fountain to fill up the team water coolers for game days. When the students, known as the "Rad Red Scientists," graduated it was said the students locked the building and hid the key somewhere on campus in hopes that someday the athletic department would find it and become great again. Former basketball coach Jack Gardner sent everyone he could out looking for the key only to come up empty.

Now here is the really good part of the story.

When Urban Meyer was hired on as head coach of the football team he was told the legend of the Fountain of Ute. Meyer himself with the help of his staff and team supposedly spent the Summer of 2004 searching the campus for the key, the story never said if Meyer found it. However, the story said that an invoice for a locksmith was found in his desk when he left Utah in 2005. If the legend of the Fountain is true then Meyer either found the key or picked the lock and got to the water. As we all know, 2004 was the year Utah first went undefeated and broke into the BCS.

The story also said Meyer took the key with him to Florida but made a copy for his successor, Kyle Whittingham. My thought is there is every possibility in the world that the story is true, but then again it could be just one incredible legend.

Brewvies, the best hang out in Salt Lake City.

2009-07-28T19:59:00.000-06:00

For about a year now my friends and I have frequented a little watering hole in Salt Lake cleverly titled Brewvies. A small pub and movie theater combination that is a thing of beauty.

We frequent the place so often that we are on a first name basis with a few of the bartenders and even with the door girl. Every time without fail when we enter the establishment, Ester will quickly wave us through knowing we're of age and by the time we sit down at our designated table Robby has already spotted us and poured our beverages of choice. We knew we were regulars when during a busy evening of filling drink and food orders, Robby asked us over the P.A. system if we needed anything.

Brewvies two full size theaters offer near-first-run movies, usually two to three weeks after a movie premiered. Each of those theaters gives you extra leg room, a counter in front of you for your beverage and food, and if you're swift enough you can even grab a seat on one the comfortable couches sitting at the rear of the theater.

If you're not up to catching a movie on the cheap, you can usually catch the game of the week on the flat screens in the bar, heck we've even seen presidential speeches on these screens.

I know this is sounding just like the traditional public relations piece, and Brewvies deserves more than that. At Brewvies a person doesn't have to deal with the typical bar crowd, only good people looking for a drink and some conversation with friends. No need to yell over the stereo here weekly my friends and I show up and discuss the world's problems and how to solve them.

Great beer, good food, great friends.

Walter Cronkite R.I.P.

2009-07-23T08:28:00.000-06:00

It's widely known by now that former-TV journalist Walter Cronkite died last week. W.C. was the epitome of journalism, classy, smart, and hard working.

Today's "professional" writers are sickening, they will do whatever it takes to break that story that will make them famous. Recently I've seen TV journalists quote MySpace and Facebook, report on speculation, and my personal favorite reporting unconfirmed rumors. Come On!

W.C. will be sorely missed, his delivery of the nightly news will never be matched. Katie Couric take note, sorry but Katie will never be able to live up to her predecessor.

It's been said that journalism is dying, if we writers could learn to be even a little more like W.C. our industry would not be facing the hangman's noose.

Top 10 Moments in University of Utah Sports History

2009-07-18T18:45:00.000-06:00

10. I apologize for not remembering this player's name but a Utah runningback high stepping across the 50-yard line avoiding Wyoming DB's enroute to a 70-something yard touchdown in the late 1980's.

9. Mike McCoy's last second touchdown to then-Freshman Kevin Dyson to win the Freedom Bowl.

8. The Duck. It hasn't been used in about 10 years, but it is the most epic play ever used on a football field. Consisting of a Center and a Quarterback on one end of the field with eight linemen offset on the opposite hashmark and one reciever/runningback behind them. Back in the day in "Rice" Stadium you would hear fans squealing duck calls to urge on the play.

7. 34 - 31, Does more need to be said?

6. Perennial Mountain West doormat, the Utes' 2009 baseball team drops the opening game of the conference tournament to powerhouse TCU then subsequently beats all three of the conference's top teams, (BYU, San Diego State, and TCU twice) to capture the school's first conference baseball crown and first trip to the NCAA baseball tournament in 40 years.

5. BYU's Max Hall completely falls apart and turns the ball over six times in the second half the 2008 Holy War game.

4. The Hook and Ladder. The originally BCS Busters, the 2004 Utes, put the exclamation point on a perfect season in the Fiesta Bowl.

3. 2008 Utes drop 21 unanswered points on the highly ranked Alabama Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl.

2. With star Michael Doleac fouled out, Junior Andre Miller steps up and beats a North Carolina squad with several future NBA All-Stars in overtime to send the Utes to the NCAA Championship Game.

1. Trailing nearly the entire game Utah scores 11 point in just over two minutes to beat Oregon State in 2008. A drive that included a Freddie Brown touchdown, a Brian Johnson bootleg for the two-point conversion, the biggest defensive four-and-out ever, and the most epic of all a 35-yard Louie Sakoda game winning field goal with two seconds left all the while 46,000 rabid fans chant "LOUIE, LOUIE."

Honorable Mention: More funny than great. Large defensive end Paul Kruger picks up a fumble and sees nothing but end zone in front of him, but stumbles over his own feet enroute.

Honorable Mention #2: Moments before the 2008 Holy War, BYU attempts to start the "Haka." Brian Johnson and the rest of the team gets in the kitty's faces and stops them cold, while the stadium chants "NOT IN OUR HOUSE!"

An Angry Sports Fan Plight (Originally Posted February 10, 2009)

2009-07-18T18:24:00.000-06:00

As you all know I am a huge baseball fan. I spent much of my childhood playing the sport I love, all the while looking up to those superstars playing in Major League Baseball. I have spent countless days at Franklin-Covey Field in Salt Lake watching tomorrow’s stars compete. I love the game plain and simple.

A few days ago Sports Illustrated announced that Alex Rodriguez, the world’s best baseball player, had tested positive for steroids in 2003. Rodriguez just yesterday admitted to using performance enhancing drugs so that he could live up to the expectations that had been placed upon him.

Rodriguez was one of my favorite players, a man that I thought deserved a spot next to Gehrig, Ruth, and DiMaggio in the Hall of Fame. He is no longer.

A-Rod is an idol to millions of children around the world. He has also let down every one of those children.

The man cheated the rules, screwed the system, and disrespected the thousands of players that had come before him.

It is time for a major change in the American sports world.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig needs to be removed from his post. He has turned a blind eye to the so-called “Steroid Era” all so that his fellow franchise owners can make a few bucks. Selig has ruined the game of baseball.

Across the board we see athletes acting as if they can do no wrong and receive little more than a slap on the wrist. Every athlete needs to realize that with being a superstar athlete comes the responsibility to act in a manor fitting their status.

No more bong hits (Michael Phelps), no more dog fighting (Michael Vick), no more spousal abuse (Allen Iverson), and no more steroid use (far too many to list).

It is high time for harsh penalties for this behavior.

In my opinion starting immediately there needs to be mandatory drug testing for every professional athlete, at every level of competition. If an athlete tests positive for performance enhancing or recreational drugs there needs to be swift and harsh penalties up to and including banishment from the sport.

If I, or anyone else for that matter, were caught using illegal drugs at my job I would be fired immediately. Why then should a professional athlete be given four and five chances?

To every athlete:

Take responsibility for your actions.

Play by the rules.

Don’t cheat.

Respect the game you play…and most importantly

Always remember to that you’re an idol to somebody and act accordingly.

Enough is enough, the game of baseball deserves better than the shame of steroids.

University of Utah National Champions (Originally Posted on January 3, 2009)

2009-07-18T18:20:00.000-06:00

As you obviously know by now, the University of Utah football team completed their season on Friday evening by soundly beating a highly touted Alabama team. Currently ranked No. 6 in the country, Utah rightly deserves at shot at the National Title.

With the winner of the "BCS Championship Game" guaranteed the top spot in the Coach's Poll that leaves one open spot atop the Associated Press' completely independent poll.

This season Utah has:
1 - Most notably went 13-0.
2 - Became the first and only team in the BCS era (1998-present) to complete two undefeated season, 2004 and 2008.
3 - Beat five nationally ranked teams (Alabama, BYU, TCU, Oregon State, and Michigan, albeit before we knew how bad the Wolverines were).
4 - Beat two Top 10 teams (Alabama and TCU).
5 - Beat the only team able to defeat Southern California (Oregon State).
6 - Won outright the third best football conference in the country.
7 - Held and ran the table on the eighth most difficult schedule in the country.
8 - Beat an Alabama team that held the No. 1 ranking for five consecutive weeks.
AND
9 - IS THE ONLY UNDEFEATED TEAM OF THE 2008 SEASON

College football has been thirsty for an outsider to win the national title and all Utah fans realize it will take a perfect storm for our team to garner the top spot. Utah deserves the No. 1 ranking and show the country that you don't have to play in the SEC or Pac-10 to be a champion.

To all Associated Press voters, do this country and the world of college football a favor and watch all 13 of Utah's games this year. They will show you that this team plays with more heart and more desire than any other college team. Watch all 13 games and cast your ballot for Utah as your No. 1.

As President-elect Barak Obama has stated, it is a time for change.
THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH UTES, 2008 NCAA FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.

-Jeren W. Canning
a life long Ute fan.